Is insecurity suffocating you? Does your partner just move away for a while, or when he goes out with his friends you get snakes and panic? Do you live in fear of losing him? THE Dora Minou, MA Clinical Psychology, Psychologist – Psychotherapist (adult, couple & family) writes about the fear of abandonment that dynamizes your relationship, and shows us the way to the solution.
The fear of abandonment is a complex psychological phenomenon experienced by many, however it is particularly evident in interpersonal relationships. The person who experiences it is in a vicious circle that can only create problems, both for himself and for his relationship. This phobia is often a deeper belief that he will be abandoned by the other, with the result that dysfunctional behaviors continuously increase in the relationship and the problems escalate, eventually reaching the end of the relationship many times. Separation is accompanied by strong negative emotions that can even bring him to the verge of panic. Predominantly fear, sadness and anger are reinforced by the individual’s insecurity to manage their loneliness and the void of loss.
-Any sign of moving away from the other person triggers negative feelings and many times due to the fear of abandonment, the other person pushes the other person to their limits in order to see how much they can endure before leaving the relationship.
– The dominant feelings at the end of every relationship are loneliness and emptiness, while at the same time we will see the person making desperate efforts in order to create a new relationship and cling to it.
-He is very attached to others and cannot accept that someone can be interested even from a distance -this is the result of the insecurity that overwhelms him.
– In romantic relationships, emotional dependence and the fear of abandonment usually coexist with the result that the quality of the relationship is gradually lost.
-In the event of separation, fear and anger coexist and many times the lack of management creates impasses resulting in the person himself leading the relationship to the end.
Two types of abandonment…
The one that comes from emotional dependence – the person is completely dependent on the other, does not take initiative, does not have control over his life and “serves” the needs and desires of the other, and the abandonment that comes from separation or loss, where the person feels helpless, desperate, seeks emotional contact and guidance.
The roots of the problem
The roots of such a phobia come from infancy and childhood where the fear of abandonment is very great. Children are completely dependent on their parents or caregivers, so experiences of abandonment or separation from parents cause intense anxiety and insecurity. Furthermore, an indifferent mother or a mother with unstable behavior could reinforce such a fear. Also, major changes such as a bad divorce, a sudden and traumatic abandonment, the violent loss of someone or a tragedy, could act as increased risk factors and become entrenched in the child, resulting in the fear of abandonment that follows them into adulthood. , which is often shown in his interpersonal relationships and especially in his romantic ones.
-Living with this fear of abandonment and essentially loneliness it is difficult to maintain a relationship, and if it is done it will certainly be a relationship with many problems and difficulties.
-Insecurity and fear often becomes a challenge. The person himself sabotages the relationship and leads it exactly where he fears it will end up… thus confirming his phobia. He gets angry with his partner and by extension with himself, becomes a victim and comes to the conclusion that the phobia was well-founded and that is why it was confirmed. It is about victimization and a vicious circle that the person himself essentially creates, maintains and recycles.
His demands from his/her partner
-Initially the confirmation of the other’s love which must be done continuously and in the specific way that the person who fears abandonment expects. It is therefore considered self-evident for the insecure that the other must understand, know and act as he wishes.
-Very often the conflict in the relationship is interpreted as the dissolution of the relationship and “answers” as confirmation of the fear.
-The person essentially fears abandonment and by extension loneliness but we often see that he mostly chooses to be alone.
-There is suspicion and jealousy many times with non-existent reasons and often makes scenes asking for confirmation and proof.
-Becomes oppressive and dependent or works with the other extreme and is completely distant in the relationship.
-Many times there can be substantial differences in the relationship with the partner which are overlooked and the essence of the problems is not communicated because the phobic and “victim” at the same time interprets the situations based on his own phobias.
– The relationship ceases to be authentic and intimacy is slowly lost because the couple becomes distant.
-These people believe that they will always experience abandonment in their lives and do not recognize the fatigue and anger they may cause their partner.
Psychotherapy in these cases helps to deal with these fears of abandonment and loneliness as well as the insecurities that the person “carries”, and in addition to strengthen his self-confidence, thus improving the relationship both with himself and the his relationship with others. It is very important for someone to know himself and his capabilities, to be able to make his own choices and to experience the present in any relationship equally with the other person or others around him.
Although the problem is personal, he easily projects his insecurities onto his partner, as a result of which he cannot accept him and, by extension, invest emotionally and enjoy the positives that the relationship can really have.