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I love my partner madly, but she doesn’t want children

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Question:

Hi, I’m Piero and I’m 38 years old. I have a good job, own house and a girlfriend who I love madly. We have been together for 6 years and have been living together for three. The complicity is through the roof, we are a very balanced and close-knit couple and there have never been any problems between us. I’m not afraid to admit that she is the woman of my life. But I feel the need to build a family, to have children. It is a desire that I have had for a long time and that I have put aside in recent years because she, who is now 32 years old, did not feel ready. That was before though because she now says she is focused on her job and career, and family is not a priority. I keep hoping she’ll change her mind, but every time I bring up the subject she hastily closes it asking me not to push her. She told me that she doesn’t want kids at the moment but that maybe she will change her mind someday. Meanwhile, the years go by and I see the dream of building a family with her fading. I really don’t know what to do, because the thought of leaving her breaks my heart. But the prospect of not having children also hurts me. Help!

Reply:

Dearest Piero, believe me when I tell you that I understand very well what you are feeling and how you feel because, like you, at a certain point I found myself before that crossroads that required me to choose. On one side love, on the other happiness. No one should ever give up on one thing or the other, and neither should you, not now and not with her.

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You see, the love you feel for your partner it is pure and authentic, the fervor and delicacy of your words, which speak of her and of you, are enough for me to understand it. And if you came to feed such a strong feeling towards this woman it is because, as you have already guessed, she is the right one.

Letting her go, and putting an end to this relationship that fills you and makes you feel alive is not an option, and this seems clear to me, just as clear is that desire that dwells within you to want build a family with her. But let me tell you one thing: you and she are already a family, even if at the moment this one it seems incomplete to you and as such you must make decisions together.

I understand if its lack of clarity at the moment gives you that feeling of sink into a kind of despair but don’t get carried away in this vortex that only threatens to create new distances between you two, that far away, it is clear, you don’t want to stay. You know it, that you feel sick at the very thought of letting her go and she knows it too, who closes her children’s speech every time for fear of not disappointing you, and perhaps not losing you.

But you see, the arrival of a child is the most cumbersome change in the life of a couple, and I don’t think she’s lying when she says she doesn’t feel ready right now and that maybe one day it will be. The truth is that hardly anyone is ready to become a parent until a child arrives.

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What I suggest you do is put aside your doubts, fears and insecurities and talk to her, like you did with me now. Do this over and over as needed, looking into her eyes and squeezing her close to you. However, don’t subject her to any process of intent and don’t rush her. She respects her silences and her spaces and give her plenty of time to find those answers which maybe at this moment it still doesn’t have. Just because you found them first doesn’t mean hers aren’t coming soon.

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